How To Be A Progressive Fuckboy

 

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Because it’s even shadier if you can convince her you’re not one.

  1. Flirt with her under the radar for the first while if you’re unsure of where you stand, and when she calls you out on it tell her you were just being a nice friend and make her feel as though she has a problem with misinterpreting affection.
  2. Let her into your wounded psyche just long enough to have her fall for your potential and want to save/fix you. She’ll feel connected and committed because you are “really trying”. Tell her she’s your exception and she’ll believe it. Make sure you wrap up any harsh truth so that they sound so delightful it’s as though you’re giving her a gift and she feels lucky you’re such a great communicator.
  3. Always wine and dine her. This is how you stand out from the other classic fuckboys and makes her feel like you must be a solid catch who at least is owed sexual favors after that well-cooked risotto and $15 bottle of Merlot. Bring her coffee while she’s at work. She’ll be distracted by your “kindness” and be blinded to the fact that your actions don’t match your intentions even slightly.
  4. Be very “emotionally-aware” — almost at the level of a spiritual awakening. Make sure to tell her you’re damaged and it’s because of all your baggage that you can’t fully commit or trust. But you really want to keep seeing her because you love how vulnerable she lets you be. This will distract her from the fact that none of what you’re saying is remotely genuine, and it’ll be a great excuse when you finally need a reason to leave. Bonus: tell her you’re only looking out for her best interests and don’t want to hurt her. Then once you do hurt her, ask her what she expected from you because you were honest with her all along.
  5. Don’t go out of your way to lie about any girl you have on the side, just commit so much time investing emotionally that she’d never assume you had any time left over for others. If she finds out, pull out the “we were never exclusive” card. If that fails, return to point 4 and refer to your emotional baggage and blame it on “being damaged”. Tell her you’re fragile and untrusting; it’ll distract her from noticing that you’re just untrustworthy.
  6. Be really good in bed, so good that she thinks you’re doing it to please her, not because you need the ego boost of being a good lover. Plus, she doesn’t need to know it’s because you’ve had a lot of practice. Let her think it’s because you just really care that much.
  7. When she asks you where you disappeared to last night, tell her your phone died or you have ADHD and spaced out. Hope she doesn’t notice you were on Tinder. If she does happen to call you out on it, come up with an excuse about leaving your phone on at a friend’s place or some elaborate tale about how you’re the only person in history who’s received a virus on an iPhone app. Hell, even try telling her you kept Tinder around because you use it to meet friends. She’ll be none the wiser.
  8. Make her feel like she’s a prize when you’re in public with her so she thinks you’re proud to be with her and not just showing her off to make you look good. Tell everyone once she leaves that she’s a great option but that you’re not “limiting yourself”.
  9. Anytime she calls you out on anything, tell her she’s over-exaggerating and then proceed to avoid answering her for a few hours. She’ll quickly learn to not ask questions that she doesn’t want to hear the answers to because you won’t answer her anyway. Note: This is especially effective if you drop the “crazy” word.
  10. Play a lot of video games instead of dealing with anything remotely important in your life and acclaim it to the fact that you need the “mental stimulation” and that it “helps you sleep”. Never let her discover the fact that it’s just helping you to avoid absolutely everything in your life.
  11. Criticize other fuckboys and get super sensitive and upset about how your friends treat women. She’ll never piece together that you are the company you keep. Bonus points if you cry about it. Because women generally fall for tears and some semblance of emotional availability, right?
  12. If you get caught liking a lot of selfies from another girl, make up some story about how she’s your cousin’s friend’s sister and you want to empower her to love herself. Never allude to the fact that you’re actually trying to hook line and sink her, too.


This article was originally published on Medium and Thought Catalog.